Dilly Dally Shilly Shally
by LatteJazz
Summary: Being the myriad misadventures of Cloud Strife & Company. xD
1. Chapter 1

Note from Me to You: _So I had all these crazy random ideas for a FFVII fluff series and this was the first one, which I wrote out and didn't like. However, my friend BondSlave insisted I should post it; so maybe you'll like it more than me! xD Will possibily update in future depending on reception, haha. Lemme know whatcha think!_

**DILLY DALLY SHILLY SHALLY**

**I.**

"All right, this is it. My feet are _killing _me: if I have to walk another step, I'm taking _all_ my materia back and heading straight back home to Wutai!"

"Yuffie, you said that ten miles ago."

"Well I REALLY mean it this time!" the ninja-girl declared obstinately. She crossed her arms, stamped her feet resolutely and flopped down right where she was in the middle of the grassy plain.

Up ahead at the front of the party, a frustrated Cloud sighed and turned around. "All right, Yuffie. What would you have me do?"

"Try it again."

"No!" chorused the rest of the party.

"Come _on!_ It couldn't hurt. We were just unlucky those times before."

Barret snorted and crossed his arms. "You mus' be talkin' 'bout those _five billion_ times before?"

Cloud closed his eyes, dropping his troubled head in his hands as a scene the last time they tried it—catching a chocobo, that is—played through his mind. They had encountered the gigantic bird in a random battle with several other monsters; the goal of the fight being, of course, to quickly slay the other monsters before the chocobo had the opportunity of fleeing the scene. The whole thing ended rather horribly and with feathers flying everywhere—the hyperactive bird tried to peck his eyes out (several bruises still remained beneath his spiky hair). Tifa was of the opinion that the presence of Cait Sith had infuriated the chocobo; so they attempted another roundup without the cat-puppet. Same thing happened, only this time Nanaki was the unfortunate object of the chocobo's wrath—and so forth it continued, until one If the birds attacked Aeris. After that, Cloud would not be persuaded. So instead of enjoying the luxury of a feathered vehicle, they walked.

He looked up to find everyone looking expectantly at him. "Look," he began, "I think we're all just tired. Let's make camp here and maybe tomorrow morning some of us--" he glared at Yuffie "—will be feeling better."

Around the glowing campfire that night, Cloud was appalled when the subject came up again. They sat around the fire, Tifa deep in thought, Yuffie muttering under her breath and very pointedly dropping pebbles through the holes in her shoes, Vincent staring abstractedly into the fire, and the rest of the party dilly dallying as suited them. Despite the tense atmosphere, Cloud's eyes were becoming heavy and he was just on the verge of sleep when a shout shocked him back into reality: "BAIT!" Tifa exclaimed triumphantly.

"What?" Cloud asked, alarmed at the sudden outburst.

"I've got it!" she shouted, excitedly jumping to her feet.

"Got what?"

"The correct way to catch a chocobo! You see, we've been going about this too aggressively. Instead of fighting and scaring it away, we need to lure it into a false sense of security, then pounce on it! Which is why we use bait."

"You mean the nuts they eat. We used that method once and it didn't work."

"No, I mean a decoy. Something that they'll feel comfortable around because they think it's one of them."

Cloud stared blankly across the fire into her sparkling eyes. "Where are we gonna get a decoy?"

Tifa grinned widely at him and, in the awkward silence followed, he realized everyone was staring at him.

"What?" he blinked, confused. And then it dawned on him: he was the decoy. "No! No, no, absolutely not; not on your life. _No_…"

_I can't believe I'm doing this,_ Cloud thought grimly as he paced across the plain towards certain death. Not only was the whole idea ridiculous, his 'decoy' disguise was ridiculous: they had embalmed him in a bright yellow fabric ("To go with the hair," Tifa had explained) and taped feathers all over the thing. He felt like a walking chicken once decapitated and tarred and feathered several times. _…Definitely the stupidest thing I've ever done,_ he pouted mentally._ Almost stupider than Wall Mar--…okay,the second stupidest thing I've ever done…_

To Tifa's delight and Cloud's dismay, the decoy strategy actually worked. A nearby flock of chocobo drifted over to the strange-looking bird, eyed him curiously and were caught completely off-guard when the rest of the party leapt from their cover in the bushes.

"Glad that's over," Cloud reflected as they tethered the beast to a boulder, wincing as he ripped a taped feather from his shoulder.

Behind him Yuffie danced triumphantly around the bird. "What do you mean, Cloud? This one's _mine_, all mine. So unless you wanna make everyone else walk, you've still got six more to go!" She beamed.

If looks could kill, Yuffie would have melted on the spot.


	2. Chapter 2

If you were to consult a FFVII strategy guide and look up "monster" in the index, you might find a plethora of information on the subject including, but not limited to, monsters' names, habitats, physical description, intelligence, and even weaknesses. However, there is one particularly vital piece of information that would have often come in handy for Cloud & Company, and that is: descriptions of status ailments. What is that, you ask? The title is fairly self-explanatory, but for any befuddled grunts out there, let me elaborate. A "status ailment" occurs when something "ails" your "status." These ailments are often inflicted by the foe you are fighting and have various side effects; for example, becoming Paralyzed or falling Asleep in the heat of battle (not exactly a good strategy). Troublesome things, really. The good news is, permanent cures have been discovered and made available to the general public for their well-being and comfort. Defensive ribbons, bangles, bracelets and armor may all be worn to prevent potential problems, and a good dose of the right potion ought to fix any problem. All this helpful information is right at your fingertips in a strategy guide book or Final Fantasy Wikipedia database….

Unfortunately, I regret to remind you that for Cloud & Co., no such thing exists to ease the hardships of their adventures and so, time and time again, they are forced to learn it _the hard way._

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_WHACK!_

Metal thudded against thick leather-like hide, the blow glancing off from the force of the impact. Seconds later, the monster to whom this resilient hide belonged burst into crackling flame. It howled in agony as the fire consumed its hideous tentacled body, seven eyes rolling madly in its head.

"Nice, Red!" Long black hair snapped in the wind as Tifa nodded appraisingly at her comrade. The short lakeside grass beneath her feet was trampled and slippery from the solid thirty minutes they'd spent fighting these amphibious beasts.

"…had to stop at a lake," muttered Cloud from Tifa's right just as the screaming creature disintegrated into tiny green sparks. Three more of the fiends replaced their fallen brother. Cloud eyed them impatiently. As if the smell of the stagnant lake water or the pesky mosquitoes weren't annoying enough, the lake seemed to be a bottomless pit that the monsters never tired of slithering from, no matter how many had been destroyed before them. _Scout party, indeed_. As far as Cloud was concerned, the only thing they were discovering was the population of this foul pond. He would have abandoned this mission a while ago were it not for his pride—he had boasted several times to the grunts back in Junon that, as an ex-SOLDIER, he never _ever_ tried to escape battle ("Soldiers run _to _the battle, not away from it," he often instructed with a great deal of authority), which was technically true. Sort of. Anyway, he never turned his back to the enemy and he definitely wasn't going to make an exception to that record today; especially with Tifa here.

He smacked a mosquito from his forehead with the dirty back of his free hand, running a dry tongue across his lips and tasting salt. He watched as Tifa sprinted forward to pummel the nearest creature with her fists. _That monster looks just like the last one,_ he noted wryly. The SOLDIER 1st Class inside him was beginning to bore with these mediocre monsters. Couldn't something _new_ appear? Something fresh and exci—

"What is _that_?"

Out of the water crawled something that appeared to have been caught between bird and mammal. Two webbed feet and an armless brown body (were those feathers or fur?) supported its neckless head. From its head extended a trumpet-like beak. The only thing that had the potential of looking intimidating were its beady black eyes. All in all, the shrimp of a monster stood no higher than Red.

This was definitely new.

Cloud smirked at its absurdity. "Got it," he called and, tightening his grip on his sword, leapt forward nonchalantly to hack the puny thing in half—forgetting, in his arrogance, a rather essential rule of combat which is: never judge your enemy by his appearance.

"Cloud!" Tifa began to shout, but it was too late, as Cloud was soon to discover…

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"Don'tcha be feedin' that oversized chickin _nothin'!_" growled a rough voice.

The Royal Ninja Princess Yuffie was becoming tired of hearing it. "Stop bossing me around! Do you guys want my help or don't you? 'Cause I'll turn around right this second and march straight back to Wutai if you're gonna be a jerk. Bet Cloud would be really happy to come back and fine you've lost the invaluable assistance of the Treasure Hunter!" Yuffie stuck her tongue out at the fuming man across the clearing, then turned back to the chocobo she was feeding. "Cootchee-cootchee-coo! Don't listen to him, baby. You can have all the seeds and nuts you want as long as I'm around!"

"Treasure Hunter, my…"

"Face it, Barret," Yuffie continued in the same cajoling tone as she stroked the bird's shimmering feathers, "you're just upset that these birdies like me more than you. Actually, I think it's safe to say they _hate_ you."

It was true. Every time that mountain of a man moved near them, the chocobos ruffled their feathers and hissed at him with beaks open like crocodiles' snouts. It was unlucky they despised the man so much, for Barret was the only person solid enough to single-handedly restrain them. However, they adored Yuffie and Aeris; probably due to their "feminine charm" or incessant doting. Barret found nothing "adorable" about the 'zilla birds whatsoever.

He grunted and gestured emphatically with his good arm. "It's jes' that those are _our provisions_, kid, not some dumb birds'! Fine 'em somethin' else to eat. There's grass _everywhere_!"

"He does have a point, Yuffie." Aeris peered around the golden feathers, green eyes slightly worried. "We don't know when we'll find a town to buy supplies at, so until then, we should probably be a little more…conservative."

"Oh, fine! I'll find them something else to eat." Yuffie whirled and flounced across the grassy clearing, arms crossed and chin thrust forward in defiance. She paused to glare at Barret. "And they don't eat grass, you idiot!"

If he was throwing such a huge fit over a couple of tiny seeds, it's a good thing he hadn't seen what Yuffie had given the birds to drink—several bottles of that weird bluish-green stuff she had found among the emergency supply bag. What was it called? Elethiral? Ether? Elixir? Oh well. It didn't matter—she personally thought the stuff was disgusting, but the chocobos seemed to love it.

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The last thing Tifa saw before Cloud disappeared was his sword in mid-swing above the strange creature's head, the metal throwing sunlight into her eyes. And then an eerie, other-worldly melody rang through the air. She blinked. The creature was still there, but Cloud had vanished.

She stared in astonishment at the empty air that had just him, his silhouette still imprinted on her mind's eye. The strange music was echoing in her mind and pulling at her thoughts; she shook her head and snapped to time to look for him—she had to deal with this bizarre creature before she did anything else. She summoned whatever material energy she had left and mentally channeled it to the duck-otter thing, temporarily relieved when lightning struck it to the ground. She saw that Red had just smashed another monster with his heavy body; the collision produced a satisfactory _crunch_.

"That's the last one," he literally panted. His flaming tail seemed to burn less brilliantly after combat.

Tifa nodded wearily, bent over to catch her breath.

"Where's Cloud?" It didn't take the ever-observant Nanaki long to notice.

"That's what I was wondering..." Tifa stood up, scanning the horizon as she turned completely around. Swaying grass, cliff's edge, afternoon sky (no clouds) and no Cloud. Hmm.

"Did he head back to camp?"

She shook her head. "No. That monster did something to him."

"The one that sang the strange lullaby? And smelled like rotting fish?"

"I didn't smell any fish. But yes, that's the one. First Cloud was there, and then he wasn't."

"Suppose he was transported by magic?"

"That would be awful!" Tifa could imagine him, halfway across Gaia on a foreign continent, alone and utterly bewildered as natives of a savage tribe surrounded him with poisonous spears and darts and--or, worse, what if he landed in the middle of the ocean? Hot anxiety raced up through her skin and her knees were suddenly weak. "C-Cloud?"

Red was already skimming the lakeside, nose pressed against the grasses.

"Cloud?!"

"Where was he last?"

"CLOUD!" Tifa was frantic.

"Tifa!" barked Nanaki.

"Uh, right there—right there…" She stumbled forward, pointing near a clump of dense, lush grass. Several reeds sprouted from it. Tifa dropped to her knees and pulled the rushes apart, as if she expected to find him hiding in the short grasses.

"He's gone, Nanaki." Tifa hid her face in her hands. She shook her head, drew in a deep breath, then wailed: "Cloud! Wherever you are, if you can hear this, answer me!"

She held her breath and waited, frozen, for something—_anything_. But the only answer was silence. Well, silence except for the buzzing of mosquitoes and chirping crickets and—

"Ribbit."

Bulbous eyes stared up from the grass—a frog looked at Tifa. She sniffled and rubbed at her wet eyes. "H-have you seen him?"

"Ribbit." She cringed at the touch of its damp, sweaty skin when it hopped onto her knee.

"I didn't think so." Sighing, she gingerly scooped the creature up and held it at eye level. Its throat bulged so ridiculously and its bug-eyed face was so comical that, despite her unhappiness, Tifa couldn't help but giggle.

Nanaki was so still that Tifa didn't know he was beside her until he spoke. "Tifa?"

"Yes?"

"I could be wrong, but…that frog has blue eyes."

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Just as the evening breeze was beginning to pick up across the fields, they reached the camp; a troubled trio, and it's difficult to say who was troubled the most. Tifa's brow was furrowed as she thought of ways to reverse the unlucky process by which her friend had become such a…well, she wasn't going to lie…_frog_. The frog himself was probably troubled by the exact same question, and probably several more personal issues. As for Red, the canine had only one worry and that was whether the little amphibian clinging to his fur was still present or if he had fallen off and accidentally been trampled beneath Red's claws.

Of course, the first question everyone asked was the inevitable one that Tifa had been dreading: "Where's Cloud?" And when Tifa hesitated and gestured to the tiny green creature hidden in Red's fur, the others seemed to forget all about the question and worried more about the answer.

"HAH!" (Repeat, repeat) became Barret's entire vocabulary. The giant man's dark complexion flushed with hilarity and a loud THUMP punctuated his laughter when he actually fell backwards off the log he had been sitting on. Tifa stared at him, annoyed.

"Cloud," giggled Aeris as she bent to gaze at his face, "you don't look quite yourself today. A little green around the edges, I think."

_"Ribbit!"_

"I-I'm sorry, it's bad, but I just c-can't stop l-laugh…!"

"Aeris, you're not helping at all!"

Tifa honestly saw no humor behind the situation, but once everybody else had gotten their fix of laughing she directed their attention to the more urgent question: "How do we fix him?"

"If what you say is true and that frog is really Cloud," said Vincent, "the first thing to try is an antidote. I've never seen a case like this before, but I'll wager a "Remedy" will work." He was about to point toward the provisions bag but Yuffie had already produced a tiny green bottle from it.

"This thing?" she asked.

"Let me see it."

She tossed the vial to him and his armored hand caught it with a _clink_; he read the inscription and shook his head. "No. This is an ether. Absolutely useless to, uh…frogs. What else is in there?"

"That's the last one."

_"RIBBIT!"_

"Bad luck for you, spiky!" hooted Barret from the grass where he'd fallen.

Vincent stared at Yuffie. "It was full several weeks ago—what happened to all the others?"

Yuffie shrugged, her face the epitome of childlike innocence. "Beats me."

Barret stopped laughing and sat up straight. "Don't even go there! I bet I know _exactly_ wut you did with that stuff—you dumped it straight down the mouths of those stupid, brainless, good for nothin' _birds!_"

"I did no such thing! And even if I did, they're gone now."

Awkward silence.

_"Ribbit!"_ croaked Cloud. This might have translated to a bad word.

"I know it's terrible, Cloud," sighed Aeris. "Looks like you're going to have to hop around on those warty green legs and eat flies until we can find you a Remedy." She plopped down on the grass next to Red, thinking. "Unless…"

"Unless what?" Tifa wanted to know.

"Unless we do it the old-fashioned way. But I'll warn you, I'm not sure if it actually works."

"What do you mean?"

"Well…if I remember right, there's an alternative remedy called Maiden's Kiss."

If the frog's eyes could have gotten any bigger, they would have exploded from its head.

"Oh! You mean you would have to—or I would—erm, um…?"

"Yep."

"I don't know if he's, uh…"

"All right with that?" Aeris finished.

Tifa nodded.

"Well, there's only one way to know. Cloud—if you are Cloud, I mean—do you mind?"

_"Ribbit," _its dank head moved awkwardly up and down.

"'Yes,' you are Cloud, or 'yes,' you do mind?"

"That was a stupid question," Yuffie remarked.

Tifa's glance flitted from the frog to Aeris and back to the frog again. "Are you gonna do it or not?"

Aeris grinned mischievously. "Who said I was a maiden?"

"I think I'm going to leave now, guys…" Yuffie stood up and darted away.

"Just kidding. Sure I'll do it. Unless you wanted--"

"No, go ahead, that's not what I was, uh…"

"Okay, then." Aeris got to her knees and peered at the frog's sweaty face. "I really hope you're Cloud or I'll have kissed a frog for nothing. Here goes—"

There were no magical sparkles or _poofing_ noises. No shimmering lights or victory music—just an astonished gasp on Cloud's part as he thudded heavily from Nanaki onto the earth, sword still clasped in a death-grip. To Aeris' dismay, he was fully clothed.

"Cloud! I'm so glad to see you again! I mean, to see you like this. Normal," Tifa grinned.

"I'm gonna kill her…" he hissed through clenched teeth, lying flat on his back in the grass.

"What? Who?"

"YUFFIE!"

Tifa giggled and tried not to delight _too_ much in Aeris' injured expression.

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**Lol. Why is it Yuffie that ends up being yelled at for everything? **

**The first time the 'Frog' occurs in your party in FFVII is a startling moment indeed. I was afraid they would stay like that the entire rest of the game! :O**

**Also, it's a little late to tell you, but I'm a Cloti fan. ;-)**


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